2020.X
Post 4 out of 104. It should be at least 7… I’ll catch up. It’d be easy to write forgettable things about my new gym routine or how many beets I can eat without crying, but that’s not my *schtoyle.
I wanted to write the big, long one, but that hasn’t happened yet. I’ve stared at the blank page (or better, the blank div of the CMS) and almost nothing came out. These last few weeks have drained me of all motivation to do much and I find myself now in some kind of limbo, where my woulds and shoulds are fighting hard (the shoulds are winning cause they never skip leg day). I’m not doing much apart from working, a lot, and working out. It could be worse, yeah, but I also have plans and this is not working for me.
Feelings coming out of nowhere still surprise me, no matter how much of a grown up and how balanced I claim to be. No matter how much more able to understand and not act upon them I become. They’re still there, to remind you you’re an ever changing human, a complex animal that is still a slave to his instinct. Unfortunately, I am also very rational and need to constantly rationalize and explain to myself why I feel and do specific things.
Being back home for almost a month was unbearable this time. Whereas before it’s been a breath of fresh-air from the monotony and loneliness of the various lockdowns, this time it’s been just a terrible experience and I couldn’t wait to go to my mildly unhappy life. It might be unhappy, but at least it’s mine.
I have a complicated relationships with homes, in general. Being a (trying not to gag while saying it) “world citizen” made me lose my home, as in my hometown not feeling really home again. It made the people I’m around when I’m back there less relatable. Of course, being away hasn’t made them different, it changed me. Gosh, even that sounds wrong. I changed, based on the events and places I lived through. And that creates the situation I was talking about.
I think I am tired of going back to the person I was every time I go back. It’s complicated, I’m still confused about it and I started writing this post a week ago and I need to move forward. I am, once again, stuck in this infinite loop of not knowing exactly what I want and feeling bad for not doing enough to reach it. And, once again, I want to make good use of it.
Here’s the plan:
I will start writing shorter posts on things I have been doing/watching every day. That will take care of the blog posts. The point of me writing here is just to better at writing. Because if you can’t write, you can’t think. I started practicing coming up and writing random ideas every day, just as a tool to be more creative. I like it.
I’ve barely touched my guitars, but, when I did, I learned a new simple song I might record just for the sake of it.
I plan to create a proper schedule/plan for the next few months.
*I found out recently that this sentence
video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_Ycw0d_Uow&t=40s
Was part of the inspiration for this episode of South Park
video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8oIfhsdDPM
I love it.