Clubs
Loud Music
- Man: So, what do you do for a living?
- Woman: What?
(Man gets closer)
- Man: What do you do… breaths … FOR A LIVING?
- Woman: I just graduated from university
- Man: What was your major?
Volume goes up
- Woman: What?
- Man: What was your major?
Indistinct answer
- Man: I see! What kind of job would you like to do? Her friends start dancing because they so OH love that song!
- Woman: Don’t know, maybe teach!
- Man: Oh, interesting
The light goes out
Conversation fades
The music suddenly becomes a quiet background buzz
The spotlight shines on a man in his 30s, sharply dressed
*Narrator: Hello everyone, I’m the narrator. Some people call me an expert seductor, shaped by almost 4 decades of smooth talk and tuxedos. Some others call me a mere tool, whichever meaning you prefer, we’re not here to argue over semantics. *smirks*
Laughs
- Narrator: Let’s start, then! What did character A do wrong it what happened above?
- Man: Wait, am I character A?
- Narrator: Shush! What did A do wrong?
The crowd in unison: He thought he could have a conversation
- Narrator: He thought he could have a conversation there! Correct! And what was wrong about it?
- Man: Wait, who are these people? How do they know?
Crowd, again: He was in a club!
- Narrator: Ding-a-ding-ding! Correct! He was in a club!
- Man: What is happening? Did someone spike my drink?
- Narrator: You wish! That means someone would have noticed you!
More laughs
- Man: I mean, I wish there was any alcohol in the overpriced drinks I paid but…
- Narrator: SHUSH! So, my friends, let’s replay the entire conversation from the start! But this time let’s hear what they’re thinking!
Tape rewind noise - CLANK - Play
Man:
(Here we go, let’s play the ape game again)
- So, what do you do for a living?
Woman:
(Here we go, here’s another ape that thinks he has game) (God, is there anything more annoying than a man in shorts?)
- What?
Man:
(Jesus Christ, how do these places work?)
- What do you do… breaths … FOR A LIVING?
(Great, here’s to a voice-less Friday. Luckily I don’t have polo class tomorrow)
Man:
- What was your major?
(Is that a stick up your ass or are you just happy to see me?)
Woman:
(Jesus Christ, how do you not get it already? You’re not enough for THIS LEVEL OF DRUNK me, can’t you come back in 1 hour like everybody else?)
- What?
Man:
(I mean, who needs a voice anyway? No one listens to me unless I scream “MY PUBES ARE ON FIRE”, and not even every time)
- What was your major?
(He asked, pretending he’s interested in who you are and not in the shape of your butt)
Indistinct answer
(Don’t tell her she’ll be unemployed for life, don’t tell her she’ll be unemployed for life, don’t tell her she’ll be unemployed…)
- I see! What kind of job would you like to do?
(Phew, success. Now let me slowly get away from this lost soul who does not deserve to bear my babies)
Her friends start dancing because they so OH love that song!
Woman:
(Have you looked at yourself? Have you looked at me? Do you even know the meaning of the word HYPERGAMY? DO YOU THINK I KNOW THE MEANING OF HYPERGAMY?!?!)
- Don’t know, maybe teach!
Man:
(Why do they put all this ice in these goddamn cocktails? Is it to dilute the color somehow? Would people be scared of deep blue? Would they think it’s barbicide?)
- Oh, interesting
(Okay, I’ll be the compassionate one and kindly kill this pitiful conversation instead of letting it suffer in pain)
Clank! - The tape stops
- Narrator: Ladies and Gentlemen, what a show! What! A! Show! Do you mind pointing out a few other errors?
Crowd: He was thinking!
- Man: Excuse me, I’m really confused, why isn’t anyone moving and where’s that crowd loc…
- Narrator: SHUSH! We’re recording here, go freeze like everybody else!
- Man: But I’m a paying customer!
- Narrator: We all are! So, he was thinking! And we know that is the wrongest thing to do. Activate the thinking part, everything becomes rational, you try to have a conversation and connect. Wrong, wrong, wrong! This is about primal instinct, half naked women and testosterone! What else are we missing?
Crowd: The dancing!
-
Narrator: Yes, yes, YES! The dancing! He was talking instead of dancing! It’s all about the moves, the sweaty rhythm, the sensual looks! The magic of the bodies, the loud music, the dreaming lights! Get a nice view, a short skirt that leaves nothing to your imagination and you’ve got the perfect mix! All you have to do is get closer and dance! Losers talk, winners project their sensual masculinity, their strength, their status with a few moves, a look, a smile. That is why our Mr. A here lost the opportunity of a lifetime, that is why he perf…
-
Man: Yeah, okay, I’m out
crowd gasps
-
Man: What? It’s late!
-
Narrator: It’s not even 1 am!
-
Man: Yeah, I need to work tomorrow.
-
Narrator: But we were getting close to the part where we actually give you advice on how to perform better and close the deal with the…
-
Man: The deal? Being able to date someone with a degree in physical education? Please. I’d rather date a cleaning lady.
The crowd gasps loudly
-
Man: What? At least she didn’t have to study 4 years to do a similar job. I like pragmatic people better!
-
Narrator: Yes, but that sounds a little classist.
-
Man: GOD FORBID! Like a girl would date me if she perceived me to be below her own class!
-
Narrator: But you used cleaning ladies as a term of comparison in a way that makes it sound like cleaning ladies are lesser people.
-
Man: If that’s what you get from it, you might be the classist after all.
You can hear the crowd being very nervous
The narrator scratches his head
The man looks for his keys
- Man: Not this one, not this one… when did my pocket become a key factory?
The narrator looks around. Start examining a speaker. Taps his foot on the floor a few times while visible embarrassed
- Man: Oh, there we go, so good night everyo…
LOUD FEEDBACK FROM THE SPEAKER
-
Man: WHAT THE F-
-
Narrator: Ah, sorry! My bad!
Turns the mic off
- Man: Okay, good night everybody!
Chattering from the crowd
Someone yells “Booh”
- Man: Booh to you fuckertort!
The crowd gasps
- Man: That’s a copyrighted insult, don’t use it.
The whole crowd boos the man
The man flips them off with both hands, rhythmically
-
Narrator: Hey, do you have a seat in your car? Mind giving me a ride?
-
Man: Yeah, mind very much. Get a real job!
-
Narrator: I have an art degree! It’s hard!
-
Man: Maybe you can dance a solution with the PE teacher
-
Narrator: Well, at least I still have have a chance to get laid!
-
Man: Break a leg. Literally.