Hey, it's me
Hey, it’s me.
It’s been a while.
I don’t know why I am writing you, but I woke up in the middle of the night and could not get back to sleep. Has it ever happened to you? Waking up, suddenly feeling the heaviness of all of your mistakes and regrets weighing on you? If you think about it, they are like marbles. Singularly, they do not hold much weight, but put them all together and suddenly they are able to pull you down into the abyss. That happened to me at 3 am, the worst possible time in the night to be wide awake.
I was told many times I should learn to let go, and I swear I tried. I worked hard not to trip on those marbles. To be able to see them for what they are, instead of trying to forget them to suddenly get hurt every time I acknowledge their existence. I learned to laugh at myself, my imperfections, my silliness. And yet last night the marbles were all over me, pushing on my stomach, making it hard to breath.
It took me a while to understand what it was though. It was not because of the things I did in elementary school, nor anything I said during my worst break-ups. It was the sudden weight of all those severed connections, the relationships I let rot for laziness at best or pettiness at worst. Why should I be, after all, the one who stays in touch if there is no interest on the other side? But an eye for an eye, the world goes blind, does it not?
I felt the weight of not being the change I wanted to be in the world, and it kept me awake. And I thought of you. Of all the years we let go by because no one could be bothered to pick up the phone and ask, how are you? How is your life going? Are you happy? Do you ever think of me?
Because I think of you a lot. And I hope, wherever you are, there are no marbles in your way.