My Rules for Life - Rule 1: Have a Journey for a Goal
Intro
No, this is not a coincidence. I know who Jordan Peterson is. As a matter of fact, I just finished reading Beyond Order, his second book, and I believe it to be at least as good as his previous one. A lot can be said about his style, you might hate how long it takes him to get to the point, sometimes going off on tangents that barely touch the rule he’s supposed to explain, but there’s more to that. The rules are simple to read and understand, you could simply read them on the back cover, follow them and benefit from some more structure in your life. But there’s more to that.
The reason JP explains everything in details is not to convince you that the rule is valid (arguably there isn’t much need to do so), but to bring you on the journey who brought him to the point of formulating that idea. After all, our lives are complicated micro-cosmos that, depending on sex, geography, time and so on, vary dramatically. How can you be sure a rule works for everyone? That’s why writing a similar book must be extremely difficult, and that’s why I would not even try to write my take on the same subject. What I want to do here is write what I learned so far in my life, what works for me. If that helps someone else, fantastic. To me it will work as a testament of some sort. A way to save who I am at this moment in time, to read it again in the future and compare it to whom I have become.
Before I finally start writing, I want to make it clear I am doing my best to follow these rules and that I find some easier than others. As a matter of fact, I could almost equally divide them between what I am doing correctly and what I am not satisfied with. Still, I’m not sure it helps writing down which is which.
Also, I would like to explain how I got here, what made me realize this rule was worth debating. That will include my personal experience, mostly what went wrong but also what went right. It will be partly autobiographical, but I’ll do all I can to make it relatable and not too specific. That should be it. Let’s start with rule one.
Have a Journey for a Goal
What now?
In 2005, I graduated from high school. I was 18, healthy, I had hopes and dreams and my own share of inner troubles. As many 18 year old guys, I had no idea what to do with my life, but it didn’t seem to matter at the time. I didn’t like studying much, I didn’t believe university was for me. My parents didn’t push me much, none of my friends at the time wanted to do it either. I supposed I would just find a job, get money, do the things the surrounding adults were doing. The problem is, I had no idea what adults were or what they’re supposed to do. I had no goal, only things I wanted. A car, video games, live on my own. No purpose. I was going nowhere and was deeply unhappy. But who has everything already figured out at that age?
Jump a few years later to when I found out people in some countries would have studied hard to get accepted in a specific university or to pursue a certain career. I had no idea, I couldn’t have known. How do you know the grass is greener on the other side if you don’t even know there’s any grass at all?
Let’s go back to 2005.
I lost count of how many jobs I had at the time, but I don’t remember keeping one for more than a few months. All I remember, apart from the girlfriends and the friends I used to hang out with, is that sense of hopelessness that would accompany me everywhere. There was so much life ahead of me, and yet I thought I was done. The time when I had to follow was over, I was on my own. It wasn’t really like that, I had a stable family able to provide for me and not threatening to kick me out if I didn’t do something with my life. I have met too many people coming from abusive families to not appreciate what I had, with its own issues. And yet, part of me thinks that having been coddled too much and not having received enough guidance was part of the problem. Regardless, I found myself asking: What now?
The years between 2005 and 2009 went by quickly. Several girlfriends came and went, made new friends and lost more. Started and quit several jobs, spending the in-between months at home doing pretty much nothing. It all culminated in strong anxiety that made me afraid of going out for months, unable to understand what was happening (It took me 11 years to unveil the truth). I went to a psychologist too, a few times. Then I made a choice. I decided I would go to university, one more time, after the failed attempt a couple years earlier when I wasted my family money. I would study something nontechnical, Japanese and Chinese, then I would move to Eastern Asia once done. And I did it.
The university years were fantastic. I won’t lie and say I was always happy, but if I had to put them on a chart I would probably say the pluses outnumbered the minuses by far. I made many friends I’m still in touch with and I finally found something I was good at, learning. Which is ironic, having always thought of myself as being clever but never putting my alleged intelligence into practice. It turned out I could even be one of the best among my peers, which made me somehow popular but that has not much to do with what I’m trying to say here. Once again I had purpose. With the right goal, graduating with the highest possible grade and in time, I was fulfilled. Towards the end of my freshman year I found out there was the chance of applying for a scholarship and spend on year in Japan as an exchange student and started moving towards that direction too. I got it. The stars had aligned, I wasn’t an helpless failure anymore. For the first time in my life, I was going somewhere. I aimed at a goal and got there exactly as planned, thanks to my effort and the support of my family.
Skip ahead to the end of my year in Japan. I went home, about to graduate and finally reach that goal. And I was the most miserable person on Earth. Once again, I was done and helpless. I had reached the goal I set for myself, but once again I hit the same wall: what now?
Six terrible months later I was again in Japan, expecting to start studying again and possibly doing a master at a Japanese university. That wouldn’t happen though. After six months I ended up quitting the program I had joined and started working full time, teaching English. For the first time in my life I was really independent, earning what was good money for me at the time. I did it for a year and a half, but then I felt it was pointless. I could see the low ceiling on the salary, it wasn’t a “real” job, with all the benefits. Some friends were doing better, at least in my mind. I changed job, started working for a Japanese company. I did it for a few months, but then it hit me again. Where am I going? Is this what I want to do? What now?
I become a software developer, because it allowed me to unite two things I love: learning and having enough money not to worry about money. Spending hours every day learning helped me not to feel anxious about my future. It took a while, but it worked. I changed a few jobs, then I realized I needed to change country to move forward and I did it. Once again I hit the mark, in a story that sounds boringly repetitive at best and humble brag at worst. Trust me, that is not the point. The point is, why do I find myself hitting the target but still feel unhappy? Why am I every few months asking what now? That brings us to the present.
Something’s amiss
Sometimes in the previous 6 months I found myself in the same situation. What now?
There was a difference though. It wasn’t about being dissatisfied with my job, it was deeper. The lockdown meant no way to change my life in any substantial way. I meant no escaping, no traveling back home, no meeting other people, no distractions. This time I had to face that unrest, among the other dirt that started coming back out from the drain.
The truth is, why I ask myself that question doesn’t matter for this topic. In the end, being dissatisfied with what you have and wanting more isn’t necessarily a bad thing. As long as you don’t let it consume you, it can give your life that extra spark, push you to achieve more and bring you places. Among all the possible curses one might end up with, ambition is far from the worst. What I’d like to focus on is the pattern.
I set a goal, I work hard to reach it because I think it will make my life better, it will finally fulfill me. I work hard, I am highly motivated for days, weeks, months, until I get there. Then the emptiness of it all hits me again. That’s because deep inside of me there’s a conflict between that nihilist part that knows nothing has intrinsic meaning and that hopeful part who struggles to create it. And both of them are wrong.
The nihilist in me is correct in believing there isn’t any meaning to life. Nothing we do follows a big order of things, there is no universal right or wrong. However, nihilism is counterproductive to our well-being because, for us, humans, meaning is necessary for purpose (and vice-versa). We need meaning to wake up in the morning. We need it to create relationships, to find and hold a job. That doesn’t mean you need to believe life in itself has meaning, but the complete lack of it will drain you of any drop of purpose you might have left. Having no purpose will lead you either towards depression or towards cynicism, and trust me, you don’t want to be in either of those places, where the choice is to be surrounded by either darkness or fire. Creating your own meaning might sound childish or even stupid, but without it there is no purpose and without purpose there’s no future. Only a long, miserable present.
I had purpose and my life had meaning during those periods when I had my clear goal in front of me, and the closer it got, the more purposeful I felt. Why can’t I make it last? Is it the disappointment of the anticipation? Am I bound to struggle in the sea of nothingness forever, gaining relief only when the debris of hope float my way? It surely seems so. For a while I am out, I even get dry, but there’s a countdown to when it will sink and I’ll be fighting against the current again. Is that all there it is? I used to think so. But something finally clicked recently.
It’s about the journey, not the destination
I am blessed. There aren’t many things that I strongly desire but cannot afford. That is the difference, compared to the beginning of the story. There are many things I would like to have, but these aren’t as easy to obtain as a piece of clothing or a new video game console. The same goes for my career. It’s on track, I moved fast and I have no reason to worry things aren’t going the way I want to. It’s amazing and I wish all my friends felt the same way. That means that setting a concrete goal for the future becomes harder and harder for me. Not short-term goals, like learning this new technology, reading that book or practicing that art. Those have always been fine and I have no problems with it. I’m talking about big changes to life that become harder and harder once you get older and are done reinventing yourself. Then it hit me.
If you’re like me and once you get at the end of the road you ask yourself the same question. I might have a solution: Stop focusing on goals as concrete places to get to and imagine them as structured journeys, composed of several steps. And, most important of all, start thinking of that journey as the goal, instead of focusing on what lies at the end. I don’t know if I’m stating the obvious or, on the contrary, I’m saying something idiotic. It’s a realization that feels very personal and therefore maybe too specific, but that seems to work on a few levels.
Having a journey as a goal is potentially an endless task. It might be far from complete by the time you say goodbye to the world. Though it might seem somehow unfulfilling, my big problem has been having to find something that works as my next goal or risking drowning in emptiness. It presents an all new challenge, as in creating monumental journeys that might extend over your own timeline, but I don’t believe one should be too strict with them. You should change your future goals according to your present. When you focus on the journey, there’s no failure, because your goal is to walk that road and it’s a success regardless of where you stop, as long as you keep moving. Having a journey as a goal solves the problem of a purpose disappearing, because you aren’t motivated to simply reach point B, but by the act of moving forward the path.
It might be difficult at first, but I believe it can be done. Imagine wanting to study something to reach a test. Creating the long term goal means extending the goal over the test. What happens once you pass the test? What happens 1 year from now? 5 years? How is the test going to improve your life in both the short and long-term? The more you extend the goal, the more you’re able to extend the path towards the future. I can see how demoralizing it might sound, but that’s where the second part comes into play. Celebrate every little victory, just like another goal reached. One hour, one day, one week. The journey itself should be what gives you purpose. You should enjoy every moment of it, even what’s hard and painful, because that is part of the journey and what is moving you forward.
Life is a circle, and we can’t escape it. No matter who you become and how far you get, you will be living in cycles. We are, after all, like Sysiphus, pushing the rock up the mountain again and again. If it’s true that we must imagine him happy, we should be happy to carry our own burden on our path. Let me be clear: I’m not advocating for choosing any random path and accepting being miserable. I believe you should be in charge of your life, trying to get where you want to go. You and only you should have the final word on choosing your path. What I’m trying to say is to avoid specific destinations who might become disappointing or even irrelevant by the time you get there. You can’t get lost if you’re not going anywhere too specific. You won’t ever be stuck as long as there’s a road in front of you.
Have a journey for a goal.