The Life Jam
Eurgh. I feel like this start of 2020 will be a lot of this. Me writing stuff like “Ah, I didn’t do enough”. But I’m justified.
I’ve been back home since late December and I was supposed to leave next Monday but, SURPRISE, I’m stuck in a passport limbo while waiting for the goddamn Italian embassy in London to tell the Italian authorities I have the right to exist (and own a new passport). That’s fine, people tell me. It’s fine, you’re home with your family and parents. Fine?
Things would be fine if it was just my mom. Unfortunately, my mom has always been incredibly unlucky with men. She married an idiot, who only got one thing right in his life: Me. (he might disagree, saying he made two)
I don’t know where to start with my father. The more I hear about him, the sadder the story get. Well, one day I might write about him but it’s not today. All you need to know is, he’s an idiot who’s ruined his life spectacularly and has only himself to blame for his condition. A happy ending, for once!
But, as I said, my mom hasn’t had much luck with men. She got her second husband, a man who did something I could never do. He got a woman with two kids and decided to provide for them. And also, to make their lives a nightmare, since he’s an awful, unhappy person. I thought a lot about how my lack of a father figure has played into all my insecurities and problems and I think I’m done with him. I never even considered the option of just deciding to cut ties with someone, especially a family member, but I think I’m done. After he complained to my mom about me eating too much tuna, I’m done. I’ve been trying to be grateful, but I’m tired of being treated like a child and having to revert to a previous state when I’m around him, to avoid him going full piece of shit and make my mom’s life hell. There’s no talking to him without fighting and I’m not ready to spend my time in jail for murder, so I will just avoid him completely. The main problem will be avoiding my parents house and still be able to visit. I guess I’ll keep them short. One thing at the time.
Anyway, while hoping to be able to leave within a week, I’ll get to the point of the post. I would already be late with my two posts per week if I didn’t write 2 of them at the beginning of the year. I’ve obviously thought of writing down something every other day between then and now, but I haven’t. In my defense, last week has been one of the busiest ever. My company decided to make a game jam and my team and I went full in trying to have something ready. And boy, we did it. Even though that means I ended up working until 1 am a couple of days a week. I don’t think I’ve done as much as the other team members, but I’m happy with the result nonetheless.
It was fun to do it and see a game, although simple, taking shape in front of my eyes and getting to be in a workable state in a few days. So, yeah, haven’t touched the guitar in more than a week, haven’t written anything music related, haven’t studied much. But the week is over and now I can start do all these things and oh god I can’t breath WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE. No, I mean, yes! Great! 2022 started with a bang! And now I only have one post left to write this week. I think it has to be to finally write down that idea I’ve had in mind for months. Totally going to happen.